A Special Day
by tively-split
Summary: About one of Ai Haibara's special days. This is intended to be a one shot, and is also my entry to a fanfic contest.


Disclaimer: Detective Conan belongs to Gosho Aoyama. 

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_**A Special Day**_   
  
Today is one of the days I wish I could forget forever, sometimes. Today I can't **not** think of you. I can't forget you're not here anymore. I can't ignore how much I miss you. I can't _not feel_ how much it all hurts.   
  
Once, it was very different. I could ignore _them_ and the shadows of their manipulations. For a while I could completely forget they were there at all. I'd plan for ages, gleefully looking forward to your smile, your laugh, your enthusiasm, your outrageous answers to the obligatory teases. You were always bright and optimistic, you never let anything get you down for long.   
  
But were you _really_ that happy? Somehow I never could be like that myself. Maybe it was because you had so much less to do with _them_ than I did. Did you ever understand how bad things really were? You wanted me to leave them behind, find a boyfriend, and be happy. I wish it could have been that easy. And I'm so very glad you didn't know how _he_ took advantage of us. You didn't know what he did to me, and what he made me do... Thank goodness you didn't!   
  
Kudo told me what you said when all your cards had been dealt. You didn't want to be used anymore. You always were the brave one, Neechan. You showed me the only way out, in the end. They could take your life, but you never let them rule your mind. I wish I had been more like you, Neechan.   
  
They killed me too, in a way, when they killed you. I stood up to them. Just like Kudo said you did. I knew how they'd react to that. How dare I even _think_ they'd been wrong in _anything_?!!! There could be only one possible punishment for that. So it wasn't hard to swallow one of the bitter pills of my own making. Amazing, isn't it Neechan? There **is** still such a thing as justice... albeit merely the poetic kind. But at least I could even deny them another one of their sick pleasures that way!   
  
And then so many things changed. I'd hoped to join you, but I didn't. Kudo's fluke got me too and my body didn't die. _They_ stole my life, bit by bit, lie by lie, one piece at a time. Somehow I just didn't see it at the time. I wanted _so much_ to believe there _was_ hope for us, somehow. I refused to listen to experience and common sense. But when I finally took that pill, I took my life and my mind **back**.   
  
It's so strange that I can do what **I** want to do, now. At least, when I'm not hiding from them. I can try to make up for what they made me do. I'm finally starting to understand, I think, how you were able to be so happy. Your friends gave you warmth and hope, and you shared your own, both with your friends and with me.   
  
Nowadays I have friends too. There's Genta, the original food-is-everything boy. Still, he _does_ care, in his own unique way. Mitsuhiko is sweet as well. His boyhood crush on me is... endearingly innocent. Ayumi is a bit like you, Neechan, in her optimism and caring. She may become a bit of a terror when she grows up, though! But not a _true_ terror, thank goodness.   
  
Then there's Kudo, who also got a taste of APTX-4869 and knows what it's like to revert to a child's body. He's surprisingly sharp. Well, in the detecting department anyway, he's pretty dense at almost anything else. Including having a totally irresponsible optimism about his chances against them. He does try to cheer me up and help me to _really_ live often enough, I guess. Not to mention that it helps to know that at least one other person is going through some of the same things I do every day. And then there's the fact that he's also a nicely innocent defenseless target for some adult humour... which he also richly deserves often enough!   
  
Professor Agasa is the man who took me in and gave me a place to live. Incredibly, he knew Mom and Dad, even! The professor is also a nice, warm person, though his absent-mindedness can be a bother at times. How he could live without _someone_ to take care of him is beyond me... Not to mention his unhealthy dietary preferences. Still, a little naggi--, er, _directed encouragement_ that is, goes a long way. Yes indeed Neechan, I'm still the queen of pointed remarks...   
  
Then, last but not least, there's Mouri Ran, the girl Kudo loves... and the one my works stole Kudo from, though she doesn't know it. Since she loves Kudo as well, she's the one person I am responsible for hurting the most... Though Kudo's running a close second in that, what with all his so-called 'noble' efforts to shield her from the pain they caused him. That 'nobility' is just about suffocating her spirit. How can he be so... so _blind_ to that?!! Ran is the single person I understand least of all, Neechan. She's so caring, for Conan and everyone, including me. Ran protected me from _her_ as well as she could, just like you would have, Neechan. I think you would have been good friends with her, if you two had ever had a chance to get to know each other better.   
  
There are other new issues in my life. Seeing my reflection gives me cold sweats, still. How can that person in the mirror be me? And just who _am_ I, anyway? Thanks to them, I've had to give up my old body _and_ my old name... On the other hand, I hate to say it, but maybe that's a good thing. Our old life, my living death, rather... it's over now. The warmth my friends and the people around me freely give, even just seeing that there's more to life than cold purpose, greed and selfishness... Even seeing that there **is** a place for hope and optimism... It's worth so much! I was so blind to that before.   
  
And there are more new worries. How can I protect the innocent people around me? If _they_ ever discover the truth I won't be the only one that gets it. _You_ were the only one I used to worry about in the bad old days. Amazing, isn't it, that there was even _one_ good thing about the way things were? There isn't much I can do except keep an as low profile as possible... and try harder to keep in character of my new body... and hope _she_ gets it before she spills the beans. It'll be an automatic death sentence if they ever find out about her secrets. So I guess there _is_ a chance she'll keep her mouth shut, if only for her own sake.   
  
I have to go now, Neechan. I hope you know that I miss you a lot. To protect myself and the others, I can't even phone and listen to your voice anymore. There are so many things I wish I'd told you before, when I had the chance. But it's too late now, the only thing I can do is hope. Hope that you're _somewhere_ listening to and watching over me. And, well, I guess this is going to sound very stupid, but... 'Happy birthday Neechan!'.


End file.
